Ah, LinkedIn. The platform where professionals come to network, share industry insights, and occasionally lose their minds entirely. It’s the digital equivalent of a business conference where everyone’s had a bit too much to drink and forgotten what they came for.
It’s a place where you can connect with esteemed colleagues, potential employers, and—the reason we’re here today—people who send the most utterly unhinged messages you could possibly imagine.
So, buckle up as we dive into the mad, mad world of LinkedIn messages that make us wonder if perhaps the internet was a mistake after all.
1. The ‘Overly Familiar’ Approach
There’s nothing quite like receiving a message from someone you’ve never met that reads like it was written by your overly affectionate grandmother.
“Hiya, sweetie! I just know you’d be perfect at [Company X], and if you could kindly put in a good word for me, that would be amazing. Lots of love and hugs!”
First of all, who are you? And second of all, I’m pretty sure asking for a job recommendation in all caps and emojis is a bold strategy that’s never been advised by career coaches.
2. The ‘Sales Pitch from Hell’
LinkedIn is a professional network, not a late-night infomercial. But try telling that to the people who slide into your DMs with a pitch so aggressive it deserves its own restraining order.
“HELLO! Have you ever wanted to change your life overnight? Have you considered [insert dubious scheme here]? Let’s connect and talk about how you can achieve financial freedom by simply giving me ALL your money!”
Ah yes, because nothing spells legitimacy like a message written in ALL CAPS and signed off with a smiley face and a “Get Rich Quick” promise.
3. The ‘Mystical Guru’
We’ve all received the occasional cryptic message that sounds like it was penned by a self-proclaimed life coach who’s spent too long meditating in the forest.
“Greetings, seeker of truth. Have you ever considered the cosmic alignment of your career path? Let me guide you to your true professional destiny.”
I’m sorry, but unless you’re offering a direct line to the universe’s HR department, I think I’ll pass.
4. The ‘Bizarrely Inappropriate’ Messages
Sometimes, LinkedIn users seem to forget that this isn’t Tinder. Yet, messages like this still find their way into inboxes:
“I couldn’t help but notice your profile picture… you’ve got great vibes! Let’s make some professional magic together ;)”
First of all, ew. Second of all, this isn’t a great way to slide into someone’s professional network, unless your profession is making people incredibly uncomfortable.
5. The ‘Desperate Giveaway’
There’s nothing quite like a message that goes from zero to desperate in ten seconds flat.
“Hi! We haven’t met, but I noticed you work in [Industry X]. If you could help me secure a job in this field, I’d be eternally grateful! I’d even name my first-born after you!”
Well, that escalated quickly. But as tempting as naming rights are, maybe start with a “Hello” and a polite request?
6. The ‘Guilt Trip’ Strategy
Some people have taken their inspiration from passive-aggressive relatives, sending messages that make you feel guilty for even existing.
“Hey, I noticed you didn’t respond to my last three messages. I was really hoping we could connect, but I guess I’ll just keep being ignored…”
Pro tip: this isn’t the way to get a response. Unless, of course, that response is to block you.
7. The ‘Instant Best Friends’
And then there are those who leap straight to level ten on the friendship scale without bothering to introduce themselves first.
“Hey buddy! So great to connect with you. I’ve been looking for someone just like you to help me out. Let’s meet up for coffee tomorrow morning at 6 AM!”
Look, I don’t know who you are, but I’m not even meeting my own mother for coffee at 6 AM, so this is a definite pass.
Need to Recruit People Who Know How to Send a Decent Message?
If reading these messages has made you question the state of professional communication, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we connect businesses with candidates who not only know their industry inside and out but also know how to send a message that won’t make you want to throw your phone out of the window.
So if you need to recruit without the drama, get in touch. We’ll make sure your next hire is a professional, not a walking LinkedIn message nightmare.
