Ah, the job description. That delicate dance of corporate jargon, inflated promises, and the fine art of saying absolutely nothing while using as many words as possible. It’s the modern-day equivalent of the ancient art of fortune-telling, where a few strategically placed buzzwords can convince you that this is the one.
But let’s face it, job descriptions are about as brutally honest as a politician during an election campaign. What if, just for once, they cut through the nonsense and told it like it is?
Imagine a world where job descriptions had the same level of brutal honesty as your best mate after three pints.
1. The ‘Entry-Level’ Role
What it says: “We're seeking a dynamic, proactive individual to join our vibrant team in an entry-level position. A great opportunity to grow and develop.”
What it means: “We want a 22-year-old with ten years’ experience who will work for peanuts and praise. You’ll spend most of your days doing mind-numbing tasks that even Siri refuses to handle.”
In reality, you’ll be the go-to “person who can fix the printer” and the designated coffee run expert.
2. The ‘Competitive’ Salary
What it says: “We offer a competitive salary, reflective of the industry standard.”
What it means: “We pay the absolute minimum required to keep this position legal. If you’re expecting anything more than a weekly 'well done' email, you might want to keep looking.”
Still, at least it’s slightly more rewarding than pursuing a career as a professional Monopoly player.
3. The ‘Flexible’ Working Hours
What it says: “Enjoy flexible working hours in our forward-thinking company.”
What it means: “We expect you to be available 24/7. If you think ‘flexible’ means leaving early on a Friday, think again. It actually means responding to emails on your own time, during weekends, and while on holiday.”
In short, your work-life balance will resemble a seesaw with an elephant on one end.
4. The ‘Fast-Paced Environment’
What it says: “Join our fast-paced environment, perfect for driven individuals.”
What it means: “We have no idea what we’re doing. You’ll be perpetually putting out fires while juggling a hundred tasks at once. Chaos is our standard operating procedure.”
If you’re someone who thrives on adrenaline and caffeine, this might just be your dream job.
5. The ‘Like a Family’ Workplace
What it says: “We’re like a family here. You’ll love working with us!”
What it means: “We’re dysfunctional, prone to drama, and someone probably has an embarrassing story about every single person in the office. There will be arguments over the thermostat, passive-aggressive emails, and birthday cakes with names spelled incorrectly.”
But hey, if you love awkward family dinners, you’ll fit right in.
6. The ‘Opportunities for Advancement’
What it says: “Our company offers plenty of opportunities for advancement and career growth.”
What it means: “The only way you're moving up is if the person above you gets hit by a bus. Career growth here is as likely as a unicorn winning the lottery.”
That being said, there might be a promotion in it if you can master the art of office politics.
7. The ‘Team Player’ Requirement
What it says: “We’re looking for a team player who thrives in a collaborative environment.”
What it means: “You will spend most of your time covering for others’ mistakes and attending meetings that could have been emails. If you can survive on a diet of lukewarm coffee and leftover biscuits, you’ll do just fine.”
On the plus side, you’ll become an expert in nodding sympathetically.
8. The ‘Exciting Projects’ Claim
What it says: “Get involved in exciting projects that make a real impact.”
What it means: “You’ll spend most of your time transferring data from one spreadsheet to another and colour-coding PowerPoint slides. Any impact you make will be about as noticeable as a single raindrop in a monsoon.”
But hey, you might get a certificate of appreciation if you’re lucky.
9. The ‘Modern Office’ Perk
What it says: “Work in a modern, state-of-the-art office.”
What it means: “We have an office that was decorated in the 90s with a 'motivational poster' aesthetic. The chairs squeak, the Wi-Fi is temperamental, and the coffee machine makes a sound like it's auditioning for a horror movie.”
But yes, there is a ping pong table that nobody uses.
The Real Truth
Perhaps if job descriptions were this honest, we’d save a lot of time and frustration. But let’s face it, we’d also miss out on the thrill of deciphering the coded language of corporate speak.
Looking for a job where honesty is more than just a buzzword? At Coburg Banks, we help employers write job descriptions that are clear and effective - minus the nonsense.
So, whether you’re hiring or looking for your next challenge, get in touch. We promise to keep it real.
