In the grand tapestry of life, there are a few constants we can always rely on:
The sun will rise in the east.
People will argue over whose turn it is to make tea.
And recruiters will continue to receive CVs that make them question everything they thought they knew about humanity.
Because, in a world where the CV is your personal marketing tool, you’d think people might put a bit of effort into not looking like they’ve lost their minds.
Yet, somehow, against all odds, some CVs manage to be so bizarre, so completely off the wall, that you’d be forgiven for thinking they were written by a room full of monkeys with typewriters.
So, for the Friday Funnies enthusiasts out there, here are some of the strangest things recruiters have spotted on CVs that turned the ordinary into the extraordinary.
1. The Overly Honest Hobbyist
We all know the hobbies section can be a minefield. But some people really take it to the next level.
One candidate proudly declared:
"Hobbies include collecting toenail clippings and creating art with them."
Now, I appreciate a unique hobby as much as the next person, but there are some things best left unsaid.
And then there was this gem:
"I enjoy extreme ironing."
Which sounds like an excellent way to burn down your flat, but not much else.
2. The Exaggerator Extraordinaire
A little embellishment on your CV is par for the course, but some candidates took it to Hollywood blockbuster levels.
One hopeful applicant claimed:
"Successfully led a team of scientists to discover a new planet."
Which is amazing, considering NASA hadn’t heard of him.
Then there was the candidate who listed:
"Fluent in Klingon."
Because, apparently, intergalactic communication is a key skill in today’s job market.
3. The Unorthodox Work Experience
Recruiters love to see varied work experience, but sometimes it’s less about variety and more about pure confusion.
Take the chap who listed:
"2007-2009: Time traveler."
Now, either he’s the Doctor, or he’s had one too many late-night sci-fi marathons.
Or the applicant who boasted:
"2015-2016: Head unicorn trainer at a top private zoo."
This raises several questions, none of which were ever answered.
4. The Unintentionally Hilarious Typo
We’ve all been there—rushing to meet a deadline, frantically typing away, only to realise there’s a glaring typo staring back at us.
But some typos are so deliciously awkward that they become the star of the CV.
One memorable entry included:
"Proficient in Microsoft Office and excellent at spreasheet management."
Which sounds painful, to say the least.
And let’s not forget:
"I am a highly orgasmised individual."
Well, that’s one way to make a memorable first impression.
5. The Confessional Personal Statement
The personal statement is your chance to stand out, but some people take this as an opportunity for a public confessional.
For instance:
"I need this job because my ex-wife took everything."
Or the ever-optimistic:
"I am not entirely sure what I want from life, but I’m hoping this job will help me figure it out."
Inspiring stuff.
6. The Unnecessary Photographic Evidence
A CV is not a photo album, yet some applicants insist on including pictures that tell a thousand *unnecessary* words.
Like the gentleman who included a photo of himself holding a large fish. Because nothing says ‘Team Player’ like ‘Successful Angler’.
Or the woman who attached a photo of herself dressed as a pirate. No explanation given.
7. The Incomprehensible Skills Section
Skills are great. But some applicants list skills so specific, so bizarre, that it leaves you wondering what kind of job they think they’re applying for.
Consider the candidate who listed:
"Can recite the entire script of Titanic from memory."
Which, while impressive, is unlikely to be relevant in a customer service role.
And then there was:
"Expert at avoiding awkward situations."
Except, of course, for the one on your CV.
Need to Recruit People Who Know What Should (and Shouldn’t) Be on a CV?
If reading this has made you worried about your next batch of CVs, worry not. At Coburg Banks, we help businesses find candidates who are competent, qualified, and not likely to list ‘time traveler’ as their previous occupation.
So, if you need to recruit and want to avoid CVs that read like a comedy script, get in touch. We’ll make sure you get candidates with the skills you actually need – and maybe a few less Klingon speakers.
