Ah, LinkedIn. The social network that promises to connect you with top professionals, but often leaves you wondering if you’ve accidentally stumbled into a self-help seminar hosted by an overly caffeinated TED Talk enthusiast.
Because let’s be honest, LinkedIn is home to a special breed of individual—the LinkedIn Thought Leader. These are the folks who bravely lead the charge into a realm where buzzwords reign supreme and real communication is left for dead in a ditch somewhere between “synergy” and “growth hacking.”
But what do they really mean when they post those enigmatic thought pieces? Fear not, for I am here to translate the LinkedIn lingo into plain English.
“I’m thrilled to announce…”
Translation: I just got a new job, but I’m going to make it sound like I’ve just been elected to the Galactic Senate.
The announcement usually comes with an obligatory humblebrag, mentioning how the stars aligned just perfectly for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You half expect them to thank their third-grade teacher and their neighbour’s cat for believing in them all these years.
“Excited to pivot and elevate!”
Translation: I got laid off, and now I’m desperately trying to sound like it was my idea.
Phrases like “new challenges” and “exciting opportunities” are tossed around like confetti at a wedding, masking the fact that this pivot is more of a stumble in a direction they hope leads to gainful employment.
“Incredibly grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow at [Company Name]!”
Translation: Thank you for not firing me last quarter despite my consistent attendance at coffee breaks disguised as meetings.
This is usually accompanied by a picture of them looking far too enthusiastic at a conference or workshop about something that sounds unbearably dull.
“Let’s connect!”
Translation: I’ve never met you, but I want to add you to my network purely because you might be useful to me in the future.
While it sounds friendly enough, it’s essentially networking’s version of collecting baseball cards. You’re just another trophy on their virtual shelf.
“I’m passionate about disrupting the industry.”
Translation: I’m about to launch a startup that probably won’t last longer than a season of your favourite Netflix series.
These are the people who claim to “think outside the box,” but often just create more unnecessary boxes filled with jargon.
“I’m a lifelong learner.”
Translation: I’ve been watching YouTube tutorials and reading self-help books during work hours.
The lifelong learning involves devouring every motivational quote ever shared on social media, usually resulting in a level of delusion that rivals a reality TV contestant.
“Honoured to have been mentioned in [Publication/Article].”
Translation: I paid for a sponsored post and now I’m pretending it’s genuine recognition.
The “mention” is often a cleverly disguised advertorial, but it gives them something to boast about beyond their cat’s Instagram account.
“Seeking new opportunities.”
Translation: Help! I’m drowning in bills and will take literally any job that pays in actual currency.
The “opportunities” they’re seeking are less about passion and more about avoiding a landlord eviction notice.
“Here are my top 10 tips for success.”
Translation: I’m pretending to be successful in hopes that you won’t notice I’ve barely made it past Tuesday.
Because if there’s one thing LinkedIn is full of, it’s unsolicited advice from people whose greatest achievement is mastering the art of the humblebrag.
Need to Recruit Actual Talent?
If you’re tired of wading through a sea of buzzwords and want to find genuine talent without the fluff, we’re here to help.
At Coburg Banks, we focus on finding candidates who can actually walk the walk—not just talk the talk with a dictionary of clichés.
So, if you need to recruit people who mean what they say (and won’t bombard you with motivational quotes), get in touch.
We promise to speak plain English.
