Life is hard enough as it is. We’ve all got bills to pay, bins to take out, and inexplicably, socks that vanish into another dimension during every wash cycle. But just when you think you’re managing to keep the chaos at bay, along comes the hiring manager to throw a spanner in the works.
Yes, the esteemed figure who holds the power to bring new blood into the company, to nurture talent and build a dream team. Or, more often than not, the person who somehow manages to make the recruitment process feel like an unnecessarily elaborate episode of The Crystal Maze.
The Never-Ending Interview Process
Let’s begin with the interview process that resembles a quest from a fantasy novel, complete with hidden trials and secret handshakes.
Because why have one interview when you could have five? And why make them straightforward when you can throw in a panel of people who’ve clearly never met, let alone read a CV before?
First, there’s the phone screen with increasingly irrelevant questions:
"On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about cheese?"
Then, the ‘casual’ coffee chat where you’re judged on your choice of beverage.
And after that? The group interview, where shy candidates spend an hour wondering if they’ll ever get a word in edgewise.
By the end, applicants are so exhausted that they’d say yes to anything. Even a job as a “Freelance Balloon Animal Architect” if it meant the process was finally over.
The Impossibly Specific Job Description
Now let’s imagine you’ve somehow survived the interview gauntlet. But wait, there’s more! You’re handed a job description that reads like a wish list for a superhuman.
They want you to be a multi-tasking wizard with the scientific genius of Einstein, the creative flair of Picasso, and the people skills of Oprah. Oh, and don’t forget:
"Must have 15 years of experience using software that was invented last Tuesday."
Sure. Just let me hop into my time machine and pick that up, shall I?
And the best part? When the hiring manager doesn’t understand why they’re not getting any applicants.
"Why wouldn’t people want to join our forward-thinking, rapidly evolving, yet inexplicably underfunded team?"
It’s a mystery, truly.
The Incomplete Feedback Loop
Then, there’s the enigmatic feedback process.
Because, you see, hiring managers have this magical ability to disappear into the ether the moment they’re asked for feedback.
It’s like asking a cat to write a dissertation - you’ll be waiting a long time and get absolutely nowhere.
Applicants are left in the dark, wondering whether they’ve been ghosted or if the manager is just taking their time deliberating.
Meanwhile, the hiring manager is probably busy writing another impossibly vague job description.
The Sudden Budget Constraints
And finally, after all the interviews, all the red tape and all the back-and-forth...
The job offer comes in with a salary so low you’d think they were joking if they weren’t dead serious.
"We know you’ve got the skills and experience we need, and we’re offering you a competitive package that reflects... well, something."
Ah, nothing like being valued at approximately the cost of a cup of coffee per hour.
Shall I bring my own beans, or is that provided?
In Conclusion: Stop the Madness
It’s a wonder anyone gets hired at all when the hiring process is made to feel like an episode of Black Mirror.
But fear not, because there is hope.
If you’re a hiring manager who’s reading this and recognising your own methods, it’s time to make a change.
And if you’re an applicant who’s been through all this and somehow survived with your sanity intact, you deserve a medal - or at the very least, a half-decent job.
Need Help Making Recruitment Less Painful?
At Coburg Banks, we make hiring simple, straightforward, and as painless as possible.
If you’re tired of making recruitment way harder than it needs to be, get in touch.
We promise to take the frustration out of the process, so everyone gets what they’re looking for without the drama.
And maybe, just maybe, you can finally leave the time-consuming and sanity-questioning methods where they belong - in the past.
