Ah, the employee survey. A modern marvel in corporate communication designed to give employees a voice, improve workplace culture, and ultimately, make everyone in the office feel like their opinion really matters. In theory, these surveys are supposed to foster openness and transparency. In practice? They're more often than not an invitation for pure and unfiltered chaos.
Because, let's be honest, if you ask a group of overworked and under-caffeinated employees to give their honest opinions, you're playing with fire. And sometimes, the results are nothing short of comedic gold - the kind of stuff that makes you question who thought sending out certain surveys was a good idea in the first place.
The “Rate Your Boss” Catastrophe
Imagine the sheer audacity of sending a survey that asks employees to rate their boss on a scale from "Inspiring Leader"to "Why Are You Even Here?"It's a bit like asking people to rate their dentist on a scale from "Tooth Fairy"to "Sweeney Todd."
One survey reportedly included options like:
"My boss is great at motivating me."
"My boss couldn’t motivate a sloth."
And the pièce de résistance:
"Help, my boss thinks they’re a DJ and keeps bringing turntables to meetings."
Not surprisingly, this particular survey resulted in quite a few awkward meetings, where managers had to face the reality that perhaps their motivational skills weren’t quite up to par.
The “Work-Life Balance” Irony
We've all seen it: a survey asking about work-life balance, sent precisely at 11:59 PM on a Friday night. The kind that makes you wonder if someone in HR is just having a laugh.
This survey often includes gems like:
"How would you rate your work-life balance?"
“What’s a work-life balance?”
And the classic:
"Would you recommend our company's work-life balance to a friend?"
Respondents often feel the ironic urge to answer:
"I would, if I had time to see my friends."
The “Office Environment” Debacle
Another favourite is the survey focused on the office environment, asking employees to rate everything from the quality of the coffee to the ambiance of the break room.
In one legendary instance, an employee answered:
"The coffee tastes like regret, and the break room ambiance is reminiscent of a post-apocalyptic waiting room."
Who knew a survey about office aesthetics would lead to a full-blown existential crisis about the meaning of office plants?
The “Innovative Ideas” Misfire
Encouraging employees to suggest innovative ideas sounds fantastic - until those suggestions become a mixture of sarcasm and fantasy.
For example, one ambitious employee suggested:
"Install a slide from the top floor to the lobby for speedy departures."
Or the visionary who proposed:
"Free chocolate fountains in every department."
While these ideas should never have been taken seriously, you have to admire the creative spirit.
The “How Are You Feeling?” Disaster
Perhaps the most misguided of all is the survey that innocently asks employees how they’re feeling. It’s like opening Pandora’s Box, but instead of ancient evils, you get a flood of brutally honest and occasionally poetic responses.
One memorable response read:
"Like a zombie, but less enthusiastic."
Another simply stated:
"I feel like a burrito - tightly wrapped, slightly warm, but mostly empty inside."
While these responses might not provide the actionable insights HR hoped for, they do offer a unique glimpse into the workplace psyche.
Need to Conduct Surveys That Won’t Become Office Legends?
If you’re thinking of sending out a survey but fear it might end up as desk-side comedy material, we can help. At Coburg Banks, we understand the delicate art of gathering employee feedback without setting the office ablaze.
We’ll help you craft surveys that get genuine insights, engage your team, and most importantly, won’t result in a full-blown PR disaster.
So, if you’re looking to get employee feedback without the chaos, get in touch. We promise to keep the chocolate fountain installations to a minimum.
