Ah, LinkedIn. The professional playground where humblebrags go to die and where the art of self-promotion reaches dizzying heights of absurdity.
If you’ve ever logged on expecting a quiet scroll through job updates and industry articles, only to be blindsided by the world’s most self-congratulatory posts, you are not alone.
Because, for some reason, certain individuals have turned LinkedIn into their own personal stage, where every act of basic competence is transformed into a Nobel-worthy achievement.
So, in honour of those who take LinkedIn brags to new, stratospheric levels, let’s dive into some of the most over-the-top claims you’ll ever see.
The One-Man Symphony
We’ve all seen them: the posts that read like the opening chapter of an autobiography written by someone who believes they’re the reincarnation of Steve Jobs.
One particular gem:
"Woke up today at 4:30 AM, ran 10 miles, rescued a cat, closed three deals before breakfast, and still had time to make my own green smoothie. #WinningAtLife"
Impressive, yes. But I can’t help but wonder how you found the time to write that post between saving the world and blending kale.
The Inspirational Odyssey
Then there are the epic tales of triumph over unimaginable odds - the kind that make The Odyssey look like a stroll to the corner shop.
Consider this masterpiece:
"Once upon a time, I was just a small-town kid with a dream and 12 cents in my pocket. Flash forward to today: I’ve built an empire from scratch, mentored 10,000+ professionals, and still find time to volunteer every weekend. Believe in your dreams!"
It’s like a Disney movie on steroids - with a side of dubious statistical claims.
The Gratuitous Title Drop
Ah yes, the subtle art of peppering every post with unnecessary displays of status and power. You know, just in case you missed the memo.
One classic example:
"As a CEO, published author, TEDx speaker, and thought leader, I believe in breaking barriers and redefining success."
Cool. But do you also make your own smoothies?
The Networking Ninja
Because apparently, having a cup of coffee with a stranger is now an event worthy of celebration:
"Just finished an incredible coffee chat with [Insert Impressive Job Title], where we discussed synergy, innovation, and the future of AI. Feeling inspired! #Grateful"
Translation: I awkwardly sipped a latte while attempting to conceal the fact that I had no idea what they were talking about.
The Humble Brag About Humble Brags
And then there are the posts that take it meta - brags about not bragging:
"I don’t usually post about my achievements, but today I made an exception. After all, it’s not every day I receive a standing ovation from my peers for my keynote speech. #Blessed"
Blessed indeed. Less so for those of us reading.
The Never-Ending List of Accomplishments
Of course, no LinkedIn brag list would be complete without the eternal scroll of achievements:
"Achieved a 200% sales increase, launched three new businesses, completed two marathons, and learned Mandarin in six months. #Goals"
All that’s missing is a quick jaunt to space and back.
The Startlingly Specific Claim
Let’s not overlook the hyper-specific achievements that leave you wondering who’s fact-checking these claims:
"Proud to have facilitated a 17.3% increase in productivity by re-engineering our workflow processes using advanced algorithmic strategies."
Right. And I once increased my caffeine intake by 47.8% by deciding to have that third cup of coffee.
The Unbelievable Expert
Finally, the posts that claim mastery over every conceivable skill:
"In today’s digital age, one must be an expert in agile methodologies, blockchain technology, content marketing, quantum computing, and culinary arts. Luckily, I am. #LifeLongLearner"
Next up: teaching dolphins to dance the tango.
Need to Find Talent Without the Ego?
If you’re exhausted from sifting through LinkedIn brags and just want to find real, capable professionals without the fluff, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we connect you with talented candidates who let their work speak for itself - no hashtag required.
So, if you need to recruit people who achieve without the theatrics, get in touch.
Because let’s be honest, nobody needs to see any more posts about green smoothies.
