In the grand tapestry of corporate life, there are few things more gloriously baffling than company values.
These are the guiding principles that, in theory, define a company’s culture, inform its decisions, and inspire its people.
But in practice? Well, let’s just say that some organisations have clearly spent more time in a brainstorming session than in the real world.
You see, while some companies have meaningful values like integrity, innovation, and teamwork, others have values that make you question if your coffee was spiked with something stronger than caffeine.
So, let’s embark on a journey into the bizarre and hilarious world of company values that make absolutely no sense.
1. “Celebrate the Chaos”
Oh yes, because nothing screams “we have no idea what we’re doing” quite like embracing absolute bedlam as your guiding light.
Forget about structure, processes, or plans. Here, we thrive on chaos.
You’ll love the adrenaline rush of not knowing what’s going on half the time. And who needs order when you can have pandemonium?
Just remember to wear a helmet, because at this company, it’s every man for himself.
2. “Be a Warrior”
Ah yes, because the best corporate environments are the ones where you constantly feel like you’re going into battle.
Don’t ask questions. Just arm yourself with a PowerPoint and dive headfirst into a war zone of email threads and last-minute meetings.
And if you don’t survive? Well, you weren’t warrior material to begin with. Better luck next time, soldier.
3. “Embrace the Weird”
Now, I’m all for diversity and individuality, but when your company value is to actively seek out the bizarre, you’ve crossed into uncharted territory.
Here, “Embrace the Weird” means you’ll be high-fiving taxidermy squirrels on the way to a board meeting or discussing quarterly KPIs while wearing a tiara.
It’s a haven for the quirky and offbeat—or anyone who’s ever been kicked out of a normal office for being too eccentric.
4. “Relentless Optimism”
This is the kind of value designed to make you feel guilty for having a realistic perspective.
No matter how dire the situation, you must maintain the cheeriest of dispositions.
The company is on fire? No worries—it’s just an opportunity for a barbecue!
Relentless optimism is the corporate way of glossing over impending doom with a smile plastered on your face.
Basically, it’s denial, but with more jazz hands.
5. “Think Like an Octopus”
This one is a classic example of when someone decided that metaphors were a good idea, but failed to think it through.
“Thinking like an octopus” means having eight arms in eight different projects while also being expected to camouflage into the corporate environment seamlessly.
Sure, it sounds cool. Until you realise that no human has eight limbs or the ability to squirt ink as a defence mechanism at the next budget meeting.
6. “Be Your Own Boss”
In theory, a wonderful notion.
In practice, it’s a thinly veiled excuse for complete anarchy.
Everyone does whatever they want, and decision-making meetings resemble a chaotic parliamentary debate during a power outage.
In the end, you realise that “be your own boss” just means there’s no actual leadership.
7. “Dance Like Nobody’s Watching”
If you’d ever dreamt of performing the Macarena during a financial audit, this is the place for you.
And while there’s something liberating about the idea, it becomes less appealing when you’re the only one dancing, and everyone else is watching in stunned silence.
Turns out, nobody’s watching because they’re too busy updating their CVs.
8. “Fail Fast, Fail Often”
This value is perfect for those who think life is just one big episode of ‘Wipeout’.
Where others might see failure as a setback, this company sees it as a lifestyle choice.
You’re encouraged to embrace failure so much that success becomes an afterthought.
Because why aim for excellence when you can become a professional at failing?
9. “Be a Cheese Connoisseur”
Now, I’m not saying this isn’t an admirable goal, but how does it relate to selling insurance?
Perhaps they’re just trying to tap into the lactose-tolerant demographic.
Or maybe it’s a clever metaphor about the need to age gracefully and develop a robust character full of flavour. Either way, I hope they mean free cheese platters in the break room.
10. “Be a Perpetual Motion Machine”
This one’s just jargon for “never stop working”.
The ideal employee is one who never tires, never sleeps, and constantly operates at 150% capacity.
It’s like working on a treadmill that never stops—and just as exhausting.
But don’t worry, because at least you’ll be in good company as everyone else runs themselves into the ground too.
Need Help Defining Your Company Values?
If your company values are starting to sound like a surrealist art exhibit, it might be time for a rethink.
At Coburg Banks, we help businesses establish meaningful, relevant values that attract the right talent and foster a positive culture.
So if you’re ready to stop embracing the chaos and start embracing common sense, get in touch.
We promise to keep the cheese platters optional.
