There are few things more surreal in the corporate world than the concept of "office perks."The glossy brochures and cheery recruitment websites make it sound like every workplace is a playground of limitless joy and free kombucha.
But dig a little deeper, and you’ll often find that these so-called perks are, in reality, as useful as a chocolate teapot in a heatwave.
In the seemingly endless quest to be the most attractive employer on the block, companies have started offering perks so bizarre they might as well be giving away unicorn rides and lifetime supplies of mystery-flavoured jellybeans.
So, grab your gourmet popcorn and let’s dive into some of the most ridiculous office perks that companies think we actually want.
1. The Infamous Office Slide
The first time I saw an office slide, I thought I’d accidentally walked into a scene from a children’s birthday party. But no, this was the adult world’s latest attempt to make us believe that work is just one giant, never-ending playtime.
Don’t get me wrong, slides are fun - for about five minutes. But when you’re in a meeting trying to discuss quarterly targets and someone whizzes past at 20 mph screaming "Wheeeee!"it somewhat diminishes the whole professional vibe.
Plus, trying to convince management that you injured yourself "in a workplace accident"when you actually just came flying off the slide in a pair of too-slick socks is a conversation nobody wants to have.
2. Bring Your Pet to Work Day
Ah yes, the day when the office becomes a zoo, complete with barking dogs, hissing cats, and that one person who thought it was a good idea to bring their "very well-behaved"python.
In theory, it sounds delightful - what could be better than a day spent petting adorable animals? But in practice, it can quickly turn into an absolute circus.
Suddenly, you’re trying to conduct a video call while a Cocker Spaniel shreds your important documents and a parrot squawks every time you try to speak.
And let’s not even talk about the allergies. Because nothing says "productive working environment"quite like half the team sneezing uncontrollably in the corner.
3. Free Kombucha on Tap
Now, I’m no health expert, but I’m pretty sure that replacing the office water cooler with a kombucha tap isn’t going to revolutionise anyone’s productivity.
Yes, kombucha is trendy. Yes, it’s supposedly good for your gut. But honestly, it tastes like someone left a bottle of vinegar out in the sun and decided, "Yes, this is a beverage fit for human consumption."
Plus, trying to explain to my parents that my workplace is so progressive that they offer fermented tea on tap without them thinking I’ve joined a cult is nigh-on impossible.
4. Mandatory Fun Days
Nothing strikes fear into the heart of an employee quite like the phrase "mandatory fun day."Because if there’s one thing we all know, it’s that nothing is less fun than forced fun.
Whether it’s a trust fall exercise in a damp field or a group game of charades where nobody’s quite sure whether Bob from accounts is acting out "Titanic"or just having a mild existential crisis, mandatory fun days are more awkward than they are entertaining.
And yet, companies continue to insist that this is what we need for team building. Spoiler alert: It isn’t.
5. Unlimited Snacks
Unlimited snacks sound great until you realise that the only thing keeping you going is a daily intake of more sugar than Wonka’s entire chocolate factory.
Sure, it’s nice to have a cupboard full of crisps and biscuits, but when the inevitable sugar crash hits mid-afternoon, suddenly that perk doesn’t feel quite so perky.
And for those of us trying to maintain any semblance of a healthy diet, it’s just a constant exercise in self-restraint. One that I, personally, fail at every time I walk past the snack cupboard.
Need to Recruit Without the Gimmicks?
If you’re an employer who thinks that ping pong tables and a fridge full of kale smoothies are enough to attract top talent, I’m afraid you’ve been sorely misled.
At Coburg Banks, we understand that real employees want real benefits - like competitive salaries, flexible working, and a culture that doesn’t require them to dress up as a clown on team-building days.
If you’re ready to cut through the nonsense and focus on what really matters, get in touch. We’ll help you recruit and retain the people who truly make a difference - no kombucha required.
