Interviews are a bit like first dates - full of potential, fraught with nerves, and always just one misstep away from crashing and burning in spectacular fashion.
And, much like first dates, interviews have that peculiar power to reveal the depths of human awkwardness.
Because no matter how much you’ve rehearsed your answers, polished your CV, and visualised yourself as a competent adult, there’s always that lingering fear that you’ll say or do something so catastrophically wrong that it will haunt your dreams forever.
So, to help you avoid such a fate, I present to you the definitive guide on how to completely destroy an interview in ten seconds or less.
Not that you’d want to, of course - but just in case you’re curious.
1. Arrive Late, Blame Everyone Else
Timekeeping is overrated. Nothing says “I’m reliable” quite like sauntering into an interview ten minutes late, blaming traffic, faulty alarms, and the precise alignment of the planets.
Bonus points if you manage to combine this with a coffee spill down your shirt, for that extra air of “I’ve got my life together.”
2. Dress Like You’re Going to a Beach Party
Business professional? Absolutely not. Hawaiian shirts, flip-flops, and sunglasses perched strategically on your head will definitely make you stand out as the cool, laid-back candidate every company dreams of.
And don’t forget the suntan lotion aroma - it really sets the scene.
3. Forget the Interviewer’s Name
The key to building rapport is to immediately forget the interviewer’s name and awkwardly mumble some semblance of vowels and consonants when you greet them.
If you’re feeling particularly daring, try guessing their name based on their appearance. Nothing aids professional bonding like a game of “What do I look like I’m called?”
4. Insult the Company
Everyone loves constructive criticism, right? So go ahead and tell them everything you think is wrong with their company - from their dodgy logo to their questionable choice of uniforms.
A casual line like, “I’ve heard your competitors are miles ahead,” will surely endear you to your potential new employer.
5. Answer Your Phone Mid-Interview
Nothing screams professionalism like abruptly halting the interview to take a call from your mum, best mate, or local pizza delivery service.
For optimal impact, engage in a conversation about last night’s telly while your interviewer silently contemplates their life choices.
6. Overshare Personal Details
Why stick to discussing your professional experience when you can delve into your life story?
Start with your birth, sprinkle in some childhood trauma, and finish with a detailed account of that time you got food poisoning in Corfu.
Interviews are all about making a connection - and nothing connects people quite like tales of gastrointestinal distress.
7. Provide Ridiculously Vague Answers
When faced with questions about your skills and experience, adopt the enigma strategy.
Responses like “I do things” or “I’ve worked somewhere” add an air of mystery and intrigue, leaving the interviewer desperate to know more.
8. Bring an Entourage
Interviews are less intimidating when you’ve got moral support.
So why not bring along your entire family, plus your neighbour’s dog for good measure?
The more, the merrier! And nothing says “team player” quite like needing an actual team to accompany you.
9. Demand the Job Immediately
Confidence is key. Walk in, casually toss your CV onto the interviewer’s desk, and confidently declare, “I’ll take it, thanks.”
After all, negotiation is for the weak, and your sheer audacity will surely leave a lasting impression.
10. Fall Asleep
Finally, if all else fails, a quick nap mid-interview will really hammer home your enthusiasm for the role.
Pop your feet up, close your eyes, and drift away to dreamland, leaving the interviewer to quietly question their life choices.
Need to Recruit Without the Drama?
If this list has left you chuckling and cringing in equal measure, you’re not alone.
And if the prospect of interviewing candidates who might just tick one of these boxes fills you with dread, don’t worry.
At Coburg Banks, we find the best candidates who know when to turn up, what to wear, and, crucially, when not to fall asleep.
If you’re ready to recruit with confidence – and without the chaos – get in touch with us.
We promise to make the process less painful and infinitely more enjoyable.
