Ah, corporate jargon. The language that's about as easy to navigate as a labyrinth built by mad scientists on a caffeine high.
It’s the verbal equivalent of a Swiss Army knife – full of seemingly useful features, but ultimately, you just end up poking yourself in the finger with the tiny screwdriver.
We’ve all sat through meetings where someone, usually in a suit that costs more than your first car, starts spouting phrases that sound like they’ve been lifted directly from a rejected episode of The Office.
Talk about blue-sky thinking and paradigm shifts, and you start to wonder if they’re speaking in coded messages.
It's a world where 'low-hanging fruit' isn’t something you'd ever find in a picnic basket, but rather a way of saying, "Let's just do the easy stuff first and pretend we're being strategic about it."
The 'Synergy' Epidemic
First, let’s tackle that old chestnut: synergy.
Why say "teamwork" when you can throw in some Latin flair and really impress the folks at head office? Because who doesn't love a bit of linguistic gymnastics to make “working together” sound like the brainchild of a marketing guru?
But the real beauty of synergy is that it can be slapped onto any old plan to make it sound revolutionary:
"We need to create synergy between our sales and marketing teams to leverage brand engagement and maximise ROI."
Translation: “Can you guys, like, talk to each other?”
The Buzzword Bingo
Next up, we have everyone's favourite game: Buzzword Bingo. It's played in meetings everywhere, and the rules are simple. You tick off key phrases like:
- "Let's take this offline." – Because we all know that email is where conversations go to die.
- "Circle back." – We could just say “discuss later”, but where’s the fun in that?
- "Pivot." – Popularised by Friends, but now tragically overused to mean “we’re going to change everything because we didn’t think this through.”
When someone wins, they have to shout "Bingo!" and endure the confused stares of their colleagues who are too busy nodding in agreement to notice they’ve been mocked.
The Ever-Elusive 'Deliverables'
Ah yes, deliverables. What used to mean “the work we need to do” has now evolved into a mystical creature, like a unicorn, that everyone talks about but nobody really understands.
It’s the go-to term when you're trying to sound like you know what you’re doing without actually committing to anything:
"We need to align our deliverables with the overarching business objectives."
Translation: “We have no idea what we’re supposed to be doing, but we’ll pretend it’s part of the grand plan.”
The Meaningless Metrics
And then there are the metrics - the numbers that mean everything and nothing, all at once.
Because in the land of corporate jargon, nothing says success quite like a pie chart with an impressive amount of blue.
It’s about optimising KPIs to accelerate growth, maximise efficiencies, and deliver value. Or in layman's terms, trying to make sense of spreadsheets until your eyes bleed.
When 'Value-Add' Becomes a Verb
The phrase “value-add” has become the cornerstone of any good PowerPoint presentation.
But when it’s used as a verb, you know you’re in trouble:
"How can we value-add to this project?"
Translation: “How can we add something – anything – to this project and hope nobody notices we’re just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic?”
And So...
Corporate jargon is like an uninvited guest at a wedding. It turns up, consumes all the resources, and leaves everyone feeling slightly confused and a tad uncomfortable.
Somewhere beneath the layers of metaphors and baffling buzzwords, there's usually a simple idea trying desperately to escape.
But until then, we’ll keep smiling, nodding, and pretending that we understand what “leveraging our core competencies to facilitate stakeholder engagement” actually means.
Need to Recruit People Who Speak Plain English?
If your office is drowning in a sea of nonsensical corporate jargon, maybe it’s time to bring in some fresh blood who can actually say what they mean.
At Coburg Banks, we help you recruit candidates who communicate clearly and effectively – no buzzwords required.
So, if you need to cut through the noise and hire people who mean business, get in touch.
We promise not to use the word “synergy.”
