In the ever-evolving world of work, where productivity reigns supreme, there’s no shortage of advice on how to squeeze every last drop of efficiency out of your day.
From gurus who insist on waking up at 4:00 AM to do a full workout before tackling their inbox, to those who swear by some mystical tea from the depths of the Amazon that supposedly boosts your brainpower to genius levels, the realm of productivity hacks is a veritable circus of absurdity.
But what about the truly ridiculous tips that even the most desperate among us wouldn't even entertain? Let's dive into the bizarre world of productivity hacks that are so outrageous, they make you question your reality.
1. The ‘Standing Desk on a Treadmill’
Ever wanted to combine the joy of walking with the thrill of typing an email? No, of course you haven’t.
But that didn’t stop someone from inventing the treadmill desk. The idea is that you can walk and work at the same time, turning your daily grind into a literal one.
In theory, it sounds like a win-win - you’re burning calories while also burning through your to-do list.
In reality, you’re more likely to end up with a face full of keyboard after tripping over your own feet trying to manage an awkward incline and a delicate keystroke simultaneously.
2. The ‘Wear a Suit to Work from Home’ Strategy
Apparently, dressing for success even when you’re working from your sofa is meant to put you in the right mindset for a productive day.
The logic is that wearing professional attire makes you feel more professional, thereby boosting your productivity.
However, anyone who has ever attempted to wear a tie while lounging on their couch watching cat videos can attest to the fact that the only thing it boosts is your desire to change into sweatpants.
3. The ‘Pomodoro Technique’ – With Actual Tomatoes
The Pomodoro Technique is a well-known productivity hack that involves breaking your work into 25-minute intervals, with short breaks in between.
But somewhere along the line, someone decided to take the tomato theme a bit too literally, suggesting you should actually have a tomato on hand to squeeze whenever you feel stressed.
Because nothing says productivity like a desk full of squished produce.
4. The ‘Power Nap Under Your Desk’ Hack
We’ve all heard that a power nap can be a great way to recharge during a long workday.
But crawling under your desk to snooze while your colleagues step over you like you’re some kind of office dwelling troll… is perhaps not the most practical approach.
Plus, there’s always the risk of waking up with carpet patterns imprinted on your face - not the look of a high-flying professional.
5. The ‘Breathe Like a Dolphin’ Technique
Yes, you read that right.
There’s a school of thought that suggests mimicking the breathing patterns of dolphins - who, as we all know, are famous for their productivity - can help you increase your work output.
Last time I checked, dolphins also spend a lot of time doing somersaults and eating fish, so unless you plan on incorporating those into your workday too, I’d take this with a grain of sea salt.
6. The ‘Jedi Mind Trick’ Email Strategy
According to some, you can increase your productivity by using Jedi mind tricks to make your emails more persuasive.
Apparently, opening with lines like “This is the email you’ve been looking for” or “You will respond with a positive answer” will boost response rates.
Unless, of course, your recipient is a Sith Lord - in which case, you might be in trouble.
7. The ‘Silence is Golden’ Earplug Method
There are few things more distracting than the cacophony of an open-plan office.
But while earplugs are intended to block out noise, they also block out the chance of actually hearing what your colleagues are saying.
So while you might reduce external distractions, you’re also likely to miss out on important discussions, announcements, or someone warning you that there’s cake in the kitchen.
8. The ‘Mimic a Monk’ Tranquility Approach
Some suggest adopting the practices of Buddhist monks, such as maintaining a serene demeanor, to improve your work performance.
But unless you’ve already achieved enlightenment, there’s a good chance that attempting to embody monk-like calm in the middle of a chaotic office will result in you becoming more stressed.
Your coworkers might appreciate your newfound zen - until you start chanting in the middle of a team meeting.
Need Real Solutions to Boost Productivity?
If you're exhausted from outrageous hacks and simply want to hire a team that can deliver results without resorting to dolphin breathing or tomato squeezing, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we recruit candidates who are efficient, skilled, and – most importantly – grounded in reality.
So if you need to grow your team with talented individuals who know how to be productive, get in touch with us.
And we'll leave the productivity hacks to the dolphins.
