In the grand carnival of life, there are many things we must do that are as joy-inducing as a dentist’s waiting room.
Filing your taxes. Listening to hold music. Pretending not to hate kale.
And, of course, writing your CV.
Crafting the perfect CV is an art form - a delicate balance between selling your soul and making it look like you haven’t completely sold your soul.
Most people agonise over every word, desperately trying to convey that they’re a dependable, innovative team player who single-handedly increased office morale by 200% through the inventive use of motivational quotes and free biscuits.
But then, there are those rare gems who throw caution to the wind and decide to be brutally honest.
These are the CVs that become legends. The ones that, when you read them, make you laugh, cry, and question all of your life choices simultaneously.
1. The ‘Zero Filter’ Approach
Let us begin with a standout candidate who felt the need to inform us that:
"I might not always be on time, but when I get there, I work… sometimes."
Honest? Yes.
Employable? Perhaps not.
But you’ve got to admire his refusal to play the corporate game.
Then there was the gentleman who confessed:
"I do not like being told what to do."
Ah yes, the perfect candidate for a job with more rules than a board game night hosted by Monica from Friends.
2. The ‘Full Disclosure’ Gambit
Next, we had a CV that was more confessional than job application.
Under ‘Achievements,’ one applicant wrote:
"Survived three years in a job I hated. Barely cried."
Well, congratulations. If resilience was the only skill we needed, you’d be our top candidate.
Another applicant provided this insight under ‘Skills’:
"Excel proficient. By which I mean, I’m proficient at Googling how to use Excel."
Honesty is the best policy, although we'd have preferred "Excel Wizard."
3. The ‘Tell It Like It Is’ Job History
One CV detailed the candidate’s previous job as follows:
"Worked as a manager. Managed to survive without throttling anyone."
That’s one way to frame your management experience.
And another candidate described their last role simply as:
"Attempted to manage a team of unmanageable people."
Which, to be fair, is a universally relatable experience.
4. The ‘Creative Interpretation’ of Hobbies
We’ve all seen CVs boasting of hobbies like skydiving or marathon running - but one applicant took a slightly different approach:
"Hobbies: Procrastinating. Binge-watching TV shows. Finding new ways to avoid doing chores."
Hey, at least they're honest about their time management skills.
And then there was the candidate who listed:
"Mostly just trying to keep my cat alive."
Which, if you’ve ever owned a pet, is a genuine full-time job.
5. The ‘Cut to the Chase’ Summary
One particularly memorable CV began with the bold statement:
"Look, we both know you’re not going to read this whole thing, so here’s the short version: I need money, and you need an employee. Let’s do this."
Direct? Yes.
Successful? Sadly, no.
While another simply said:
"I’m not going to lie to you. I just need a job. Please."
It’s the CV equivalent of a puppy-dog eyes emoji.
6. The ‘Why Am I Here?’ Objective
In the 'Objective' section, one candidate wrote:
"Honestly, my main objective is to make it to 5 PM."
A sentiment to which most of us can relate.
And another simply stated:
"Survive and pay my rent."
Which, let’s face it, is the only objective that truly matters.
Need to Recruit the Right Talent?
If you’re tired of wading through CVs that are more comedy gold than candidate, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we find candidates who not only fit your job description but who are also genuine, talented, and, preferably, don’t scare easily.
So, if you need to recruit without the drama or the hilarity, get in touch.
We promise to find you someone who’s as passionate about your business as they are about keeping their cat alive.
