There are many things in this world that defy logic, and often the corporate world is where those illogical wonders thrive.
Like why coffee machines only break down on Monday mornings.
Or why office air conditioning has two settings: Antarctic blast or sauna.
But perhaps the most perplexing of mysteries is the modern workplace title.
Once upon a time, job titles made sense.
If you were a Manager, you managed things.
If you were an Assistant, you assisted.
And if you were an Intern, you made coffee and learned to nod enthusiastically in meetings.
But somewhere along the way, common sense took a backseat, and we entered a world where job titles seem to be pulled from a hat filled with marketing buzzwords, random nouns, and the fever dreams of a particularly pretentious copywriter.
Chief Happiness Officer
Ah yes, the CHO. Because nothing says, “We value your well-being,” quite like slapping a grandiose title on someone whose job is to pretend morale isn’t at rock bottom.
Traditionally known as “HR Manager,” this title implies that happiness can be mandated by decree.
But unless your office is located inside Disneyland, and everyone gets a mandatory daily hug from Goofy, this is likely more about corporate branding than actual joy.
Digital Prophet
There was a time when prophets were revered figures, predicting the future, guiding nations, and making sense of the world’s mysteries.
Now, apparently, they work in tech, trying to convince you that the new app that crashes every time you open it will “revolutionise” your life.
It’s a title that promises a lot but delivers the same PowerPoint slides about “leveraging synergies” and “harnessing innovation” as everyone else.
Brand Evangelist
This title implies that spreading the good word of your product is a spiritual calling, akin to wandering the desert for 40 days and 40 nights while preaching the gospel of low-calorie fizzy drinks.
In reality, it involves a lot of social media posts, an unhealthy obsession with hashtags, and the fervent hope that no one realises all those glowing reviews came from your mum.
Growth Hacker
Once upon a time, a Hacker was someone furtively tapping away at a keyboard in a dimly lit room, plotting to bring down major corporations with a few well-placed lines of code.
Now, a Growth Hacker is someone who analyses spreadsheets, discusses metrics, and tries to convince people that “this is the year we finally double our user base.”
Thrilling.
Chief Listening Officer
In a world where bosses are often accused of not listening, someone thought it would be a great idea to create a title that emphasises the exact opposite.
But unless this person spends their days with a stethoscope pressed against the office walls, it’s unclear what this title actually entails.
Maybe they listen to the complaints, nod sympathetically, and do absolutely nothing. Who knows?
Innovation Sherpa
Now, I’ve never met a Sherpa, but I’m fairly sure they’d be confused to learn they’re now expected to guide people through the treacherous terrain of “disruptive market strategies.”
It’s a title that suggests you’re somehow leading a team on an epic journey of discovery, without any of the oxygen deprivation or life-threatening avalanches.
Unless your office is particularly cold.
Wizard of Light Bulb Moments
In case “Ideas Person” wasn’t vague enough, we now have this delightful title.
Someone who presumably sits in a corner, casting spells until inspiration strikes and everyone can finally go home.
It’s the kind of title that makes you wish you had a wand - so you could wave it and turn the job board into something that makes sense.
Director of First Impressions
Previously known as the Receptionist, this title suggests an intense focus on creating such an amazing first impression that visitors forget the rest of the office is held together with duct tape and coffee stains.
It’s a grandiose way of saying, “You’re the face of the company,” without offering any more respect or salary.
Chief Troublemaker
Traditionally, Troublemakers are the ones sitting in the corner during school, trying to avoid detention.
But in the corporate world, a Chief Troublemaker is apparently someone who shakes things up, thinks outside the box, and perhaps throws in a bit of chaos just to keep everyone on their toes.
Or maybe they just forgot to turn off the office alarm. Who knows?
Need to Cut Through the Nonsense?
If these titles have left you wondering what on earth is going on in the corporate world, you’re not alone.
At Coburg Banks, we specialise in finding candidates for jobs with titles that make sense.
We’re not here to recruit “ninjas,” “wizards,” or “prophets.” Just real people for real jobs.
So, if you’re ready to recruit without the confusion, get in touch.
We promise to leave the “Sherpas” to the mountains.
