In the grand tapestry of life, few things bring us as much joy as the delightful absurdity of human self-confidence.
More specifically, the kind of confidence that makes someone think it’s perfectly reasonable to list “Master of the Universe” as a skill on their CV.
Because, let’s face it, job applications are a bit like dating profiles. Everyone exaggerates a little.
Maybe you add a couple of inches to your height or claim you’ve read that book that’s been gathering dust on your bookshelf for three years.
But then there are those glorious souls who take it to the next level, boldly listing skills that make you wonder if they’ve been living in an alternate reality.
So gather ‘round, dear readers, as we delve into the most ridiculous ‘skills’ ever claimed on a job application.
1. The Linguistic Genius
Languages are a valuable skill. Employers love a bilingual employee.
But there’s bilingual, and then there’s:
“Fluent in Klingon and Dothraki.”
While impressive at your local Comic-Con, it’s not exactly a sought-after skill in your average corporate setting.
And let’s be honest, if your future boss is secretly a Star Trek fan, then maybe you’ve just found your perfect match.
2. The Animal Whisperer
Some people have a way with animals.
And then there are those who claim:
“Proficient in communicating with dolphins.”
Now, I’m all for enthusiasm, but unless your office is an underwater sea base run by aquatic mammals, this might not be the skill that wins you the job.
Imagine the surprise on a recruiter’s face when they realise they’ve hired a marine biologist for a telemarketing position.
3. The Time Traveler
We’ve seen claims of:
“Expert in managing time travel paradoxes.”
Which, while impressive, also begs the question - why are you applying for an office job when you could be preventing history’s greatest catastrophes?
Unless, of course, you’re from the future, and this role is vital to saving humanity. In which case, Godspeed.
4. The Sovereign Leader
Leading people is an admirable skill. But some people take it a tad too literally, claiming they are:
“Former Emperor of a small unrecognized nation.”
While this might raise eyebrows, it also raises expectations.
Because if you can run a micronation, surely managing the office Christmas party is a piece of cake, right?
5. The Galactic Defender
Space is the final frontier.
Which might explain why some applicants claim:
“Experience in defending Earth from alien invasions.”
Who knew that our planet’s safety relied on individuals applying for data entry jobs?
But hey, there’s no harm in having a backup plan, just in case the aliens do come knocking.
6. The Psychic Savant
The ability to foresee the future is undeniably cool.
But it’s also a bit unsettling to read:
“Ability to predict employer’s decisions with 100% accuracy.”
Because if you’re doing that, why even bother with the interview process?
Just skip straight to the negotiation table with your mind-reading skills.
7. The Master Chef (Sort Of)
Cooking is a skill many boast about.
But claiming:
“Inventor of the perfect two-minute breakfast cereal.”
…might not be what most employers are looking for, unless your future involves breakfast innovation.
Then again, maybe this person has truly cracked the code of a busy morning routine.
8. The Eternal Optimist
Everyone loves a positive thinker.
But sometimes this manifests as:
“Ability to smile continuously for 48 hours.”
While this sounds like a skill only a robot could possess, it’s also slightly terrifying.
And probably not the healthiest way to impress employers during a weekend team-building session.
9. The Human Calculator
Math skills are always a plus, but this one takes the cake:
“Can recite pi to 1,000 decimal places while juggling.”
While impressive, is it any surprise this hasn’t exactly been a deal-clincher at accountancy firms?
Still, I suppose it’s handy for office parties.
10. The Unapologetic Jokester
Who doesn’t love a good sense of humour? But it’s a fine line when someone writes:
“Professional sarcasm delivery expert.”
While this might be entertaining at the water cooler, it’s uncertain how well it’ll go down in quarterly reviews.
Unless, of course, your boss appreciates a bit of cheeky banter. Or happens to be a stand-up comedian.
Need to Find Candidates with Real Skills?
If you’ve had enough of wading through applications claiming outlandish skills, perhaps it’s time to let the professionals handle it.
At Coburg Banks, we specialise in finding candidates with skills that are a little more terrestrial and a lot more relevant to your business needs.
So, if you want to hire people who can do more than just communicate with dolphins or read your mind, get in touch.
We’ll find you talent that doesn’t just claim to be out of this world, but can actually deliver results right here on Earth.
