Ah, employee perks. Those shiny little baubles dangled in front of prospective hires like a carrot on a stick. They sound wonderful in theory, a delightful smorgasbord of benefits designed to make you feel cherished, valued, and part of a corporate utopia. But scratch beneath the surface, and you’ll find that some of these so-called perks are about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
Indeed, employees, the world over have been baffled by perks so bizarre, so utterly pointless, that they almost seem like an elaborate joke. So, in honour of those brave souls who’ve been tempted, only to be left bewildered, here are some of the funniest employee perks that sound truly amazing but are, in reality, utterly useless.
The Infamous Office Slide
Let’s start with the infamous office slide. Yes, you read that right. Some companies, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that what employees really need is a big, shiny slide to transport them from one floor to another.
In theory, it’s whimsical, fun, and a delightful nod to your inner child. In practice, it’s an HR incident waiting to happen.
Imagine trying to maintain your dignity as you slide into a meeting with the glee of a toddler at a playground. Plus, it’s not exactly practical for those wearing skirts, high heels, or any semblance of professionalism.
Unlimited Snacks… With a Catch
Next on our list - unlimited snacks. The all-you-can-eat buffet of the office world, designed to lure you in with promises of endless crisps, chocolate, and sugary delights.
But here’s the catch: they’re always the snacks nobody actually likes.
You’ll find yourself staring at the same sad packet of off-brand rice cakes and dubious trail mix for weeks on end, wondering if anyone actually eats this stuff.
And what happens when you do indulge? A chorus of judgment from your coworkers who are silently tallying your daily intake of cheese puffs.
Bring Your Pet to Work Day
The idea of bringing your pet to work is the stuff of daydreams for many animal lovers. Imagine furry companions curled up at your feet, brightening your day with their wagging tails and general adorableness.
In reality, it’s pure chaos.
Fluffy and Sparky might be delightful at home, but in an office setting, they quickly become a liability.
You’ll spend the day trying to stop them from chewing cables, barking during important calls, or having an “accident” on the boss’s chair.
And heaven help you if someone’s allergic - your pet-friendly workplace just turned into a sneeze-fest.
The Mystery of the Zen Room
Ah, the Zen Room. A mystical place of calm, tranquility, and peace - or so they say.
In reality, it’s a converted storage cupboard with a lava lamp and a beanbag chair that’s seen better days.
Supposedly a sanctuary from the hustle and bustle, it’s more often than not a glorified nap room, where employees sneak away for a quick snooze under the guise of meditation.
And as for actually reaching a state of Zen? The best you can hope for is the faint sound of a distant gong as the office printer jams again.
The Flexible Working Hours (Not Really)
Flexible working hours are the holy grail of modern employment perks. The idea that you can work when it suits you, liberating you from the shackles of the 9-to-5 grind.
But in practice, it rarely works out that way.
Sure, you can start at 10 AM instead of 9, but you’ll also find yourself responding to emails at midnight, just to keep up.
The supposed flexibility is an illusion, and you end up working more hours than ever before, with a work-life balance that’s about as stable as a Jenga tower in a hurricane.
The Free Gym Membership You’ll Never Use
A free gym membership is the epitome of a perk that sounds amazing but often proves useless.
In the optimistic haze of the New Year, you might think you’ll use it regularly.
Fast forward six months, and the only exercise you’re getting is the walk from your desk to the coffee machine.
The thought of breaking a sweat after a long day in the office is as appealing as eating broccoli for dessert.
And every time you pass the gym, the guilt of your inactivity adds to your already towering stress levels.
Need to Offer Perks That Actually Matter?
If you’re done trying to make sense of nonsensical perks and want to focus on real benefits that attract real talent, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we specialise in helping businesses find employees who value the things that truly matter - like career growth, a supportive team, and actual work-life balance.
So, if you’re ready to recruit without the gimmicks, get in touch. We promise no slides, zen rooms, or mystery snacks involved.
Just solid recruitment advice and exceptional candidates.
