Ah, the job title. That glorious badge of honour you can put on your LinkedIn profile to make it look like you're doing something far more important than you actually are.
It’s the thing you proudly tell strangers at parties, just before they nod politely and move on to someone whose job they actually understand.
And yet, in the wild world of modern employment, job titles have gone from being simple descriptors to bizarre, cryptic phrases that sound impressive but reveal absolutely nothing about the job itself.
So, in honour of those who are still trying to explain to their parents what they actually do for a living, here’s a look at some of the coolest-sounding job titles that mean absolutely nothing.
1. Chief Happiness Officer
Ah yes, the Chief Happiness Officer.
Otherwise known as the ‘Person Who Keeps Bringing Cake into the Office and Asking If We’re Okay’.
In theory, this role is all about boosting morale and ensuring employee satisfaction.
In practice, it involves organising team-building exercises that everyone hates and sending out passive-aggressive emails about the state of the communal fridge.
2. Director of First Impressions
Otherwise known as the receptionist.
Because, let’s be honest, if the first impression people get of your company is someone frantically typing with a phone wedged between their ear and shoulder, arguing with a delivery driver over the missing paper clips, then no amount of fancy job titles is going to save you.
3. Growth Hacker
This is the person responsible for making your business grow - using methods so mysterious and complex that they can only be described as ‘hacking’.
Which sounds cool until you realise it mostly involves sending out emails with subject lines like “You won’t believe what we’re offering!” and hoping people don’t immediately hit ‘delete’.
4. Thought Leader
This might sound like the sort of job that involves standing on a mountain dispensing wisdom to the masses.
But no.
A Thought Leader is someone who posts inspirational quotes on LinkedIn and occasionally writes blog posts full of buzzwords like ‘synergy’, ‘disruption’, and ‘pivot’.
5. Digital Prophet
Now, this one really sounds like something out of a science fiction novel.
But what does a Digital Prophet do?
Well, your guess is as good as mine.
But they’re usually found wandering around tech companies, predicting the next big trend in digital that will change our lives forever.
Like QR codes. Or NFTs. Or those dancing baby GIFs from the early 2000s.
6. Brand Evangelist
This is the person who loves your company so much they’ve taken it upon themselves to spread the good word – like a modern-day missionary for overpriced coffee or artisanal vegan cheese.
They believe in your company more than you believe in your own ability to get up before 8 am on a Monday.
7. Wizard of Light Bulb Moments
Otherwise known as the person who occasionally has a good idea.
But instead of calling them ‘Creative Director’ or something equally sensical, you’ve decided to inflate their ego to mythical proportions.
Because who wouldn’t want to be a wizard?
8. Space Consultant
Before you get too excited, no, this does not involve trips to Mars or hanging out with astronauts.
A Space Consultant is someone who advises on office layout.
Otherwise known as the person who tells you that your open-plan office is a nightmare and that nobody wants to sit next to the person who insists on eating fish at their desk.
9. Dream Alchemist
Ah, the Dream Alchemist.
Otherwise known as the Life Coach, or possibly someone who runs a yoga studio with a penchant for essential oils.
In simple terms, it’s the person who tells you to ‘follow your dreams’ without any practical advice on how to actually pay the bills once you do.
10. Storyteller
This one sounds whimsical and enchanting, like someone who spends their days spinning tales of dragons and fair maidens.
In reality, it’s the person in your marketing team who’s really good at making up case studies and testimonials that sound way more impressive than they actually are.
Need to Recruit Without the Riddles?
If you’re tired of trying to decipher job titles like they’re part of the Da Vinci Code, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we find real people for real jobs - not just roles with fancy titles and vague promises.
So, if you’re looking to recruit without the nonsense and mystery, get in touch.
We promise to leave the job title wizardry to someone else.
