We live in a world where common sense is often about as rare as a unicorn riding a bicycle.
From the inexplicable popularity of pineapple on pizza to the baffling persistence of Crocs as acceptable footwear, many things defy logic and reason.
And let’s not even get started on job requirements.
Anyone who’s ever had the misfortune of scrolling through job ads knows the pain of encountering a list of requirements so absurd that it makes you question whether you’re applying for a regular job or trying out for MI6.
Because somewhere along the line, employers decided that reasonable expectations were for amateurs, and the only way to stand out in the job market was to demand skills that would make even a seasoned astronaut feel inadequate.
The Entry-Level Experience Conundrum
Let’s kick things off with a classic - the Entry-Level Job That Requires Extensive Experience.
You know the drill:
"Entry-level position. Must have 5-7 years of experience."
Ah, yes. Because we all know that the best time to gain work experience is while you’re still in nappies.
It begs the question: are we expected to time travel? Or perhaps become a child prodigy in the field of data entry?
And let’s not forget my personal favourite:
"Recent graduates welcome! Must demonstrate a proven track record of industry success."
Unless you expect me to have conducted groundbreaking research while juggling the existential dread of university, I’m not quite sure how you envisage that happening.
The Laundry List of Skills
Then there are the job descriptions that read more like a Christmas wish list than actual requirements.
These employers want a candidate who is:
- A marketing maverick with intimate knowledge of every social media platform known to man.
- A coding genius capable of building complex software solutions in their sleep.
- A branding guru with a knack for creating viral content.
- Fluent in at least three languages - preferably including one that’s been dead for 500 years.
Oh, and all of this for the princely sum of £20,000 a year.
Right. Because clearly, my time at Hogwarts has prepared me for this magical role where I’m expected to be the Swiss Army knife of human resources.
The Irrelevant and Bizarre
But wait, there’s more!
Some job requirements dive so deeply into the realm of the ridiculous that you start to wonder if the person writing them was just having a laugh.
Consider this gem:
"Must be proficient in Microsoft Word."
Are we living in 1998? Is there someone out there who hasn’t yet figured out how to bold text?
And then there’s:
"Must be able to work under pressure with tight deadlines, while maintaining a positive attitude and a sense of humour."
Because when I’m drowning in deadlines, my natural instinct is to crack a joke and perform a stand-up routine.
And Yet, We Persevere
Despite the absurdity, the job market continues to trundle on, with brave souls attempting to navigate the minefield of nonsensical requirements.
Because, at the end of the day, we all need to eat, even if it means convincing a potential employer that we are, in fact, the “rockstar ninja guru” they’ve been searching for.
But wouldn’t it be nice if job adverts were just a little more… sane?
Need to Recruit Without the Nonsense?
If you’re guilty of writing job descriptions that sound like something out of a fever dream, fear not - Coburg Banks is here to help.
We specialise in creating job ads that are not only realistic but also appealing to the kind of candidates you actually want to hire (spoiler: they’re probably not ninjas).
So if you need to recruit without making people question their own sanity, get in touch.
We’ll help you find the candidates you need - no time travel or wizardry required.
