Ah, the hiring manager. The valiant gatekeeper of employment, the valkyrie of talent acquisition, the very person who stands between you and the job of your dreams. But, much like your favourite politician, sometimes they haven’t the foggiest clue what they’re looking for.
Picture this: you’re at a swanky restaurant, perusing the menu, and you’re in the mood for something... well, you’re not sure what. You want something spicy yet mild, filling but not heavy, exotic but also familiar. That, dear reader, is precisely how some hiring managers approach the recruitment process.
The Vague Job Description
You know the type: you’re scrolling through a job board, brimming with optimism, and you come across a job title that’s as clear as a fogged-up bathroom mirror. The description reads like a diary entry from someone who’s simultaneously sleepwalking and suffering from a mild bout of amnesia.
It usually goes a little something like this:
“We’re seeking a proactive team player with a dynamic skill set and a passion for excellence to join our fast-paced, innovative environment.”
Well, marvellous. You’ve just described every single person who’s ever filled out a LinkedIn profile.
It’s a classic case of what I like to call the “unicorn chase”: they're looking for a mythical creature that doesn’t exist because they haven't quite decided what they want.
The Never-Ending Interview Process
Ah, the interview process. A test of endurance that forces candidates to jump through hoops, solve Rubik’s cubes while blindfolded, and present a PowerPoint on why they’re not a sociopath.
But when a hiring manager doesn’t know what they’re looking for, this process takes on a life of its own. Suddenly, there are more rounds of interviews than there are episodes of a reality TV series.
One week, you’re meeting the HR manager. The next, it’s the finance team, followed by the CEO’s dog walker, and then a panel of random strangers they pulled off the street for good measure.
All the while, you’re being asked questions that feel plucked from a textbook titled, “Hiring for Dummies.”
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“If you were a kitchen appliance, which one would you be and why?”
“Why are manhole covers round?”
By the end, you’re questioning your life choices and wondering if you should’ve just become a hermit living off the grid.
The Moving Target
Then there’s the situation where the hiring manager seems to change their mind more often than a chameleon on a disco floor.
They start with a clear vision of their ideal candidate - someone with ten years of experience, a PhD, and an uncanny ability to juggle flaming torches while reciting the company mission statement.
But as the weeks roll on, it becomes apparent that this person will come at a cost - one that could fund their entire coffee budget for the next decade. So, they adjust their expectations, seeking someone who’s perhaps just a little less qualified, and a little more… affordable.
By this point, the entire recruitment team is left spinning, wondering if they’ve somehow been roped into an elaborate game of musical chairs.
The “All-in-One” Candidate
Of course, there’s also the manager who’s convinced that one person can do the work of three.
They’re looking for someone who can code like Bill Gates, design like Da Vinci, and close deals like a Wall Street wolf. All while maintaining a Zen-like calm and a smile that could charm the socks off a snake.
It’s the equivalent of trying to find a Swiss Army knife in human form - versatile, resourceful, and able to fix anything, whether it's a complex business problem or a wobbly coffee table.
And if you’re thinking, “Surely these people don’t exist,” you’d be absolutely right. But that doesn’t stop some hiring managers from looking for them. After all, hope springs eternal.
Need Help Finding the Right Fit?
At Coburg Banks, we understand that not every company knows what they need from the get-go. That’s where we come in - to help you define your requirements and find the perfect fit, without the wild goose chase.
So, if your hiring needs feel as opaque as the inside of a cloudy soup can, get in touch. We’ll help you cut through the waffle and find the person your team really needs - without the drama, detours, and dog walkers.
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