There are many things in life that are shrouded in mystery. The Bermuda Triangle, Stonehenge, and why anyone would voluntarily eat kale, to name a few. But perhaps the greatest enigma of our times is the job description that doesn’t actually describe a job.
You know the ones. The adverts so cryptic that you’d need a degree in ancient hieroglyphics and a weekend seminar with Sherlock Holmes just to figure out what they’re on about.
The Art of Saying Nothing at All
It takes a special kind of skill to write several paragraphs without conveying any useful information. And somehow, job adverts manage to do just that.
Consider, for example, the job description that opens with:
"Join our dynamic team and help us achieve our vision."
Which sounds lovely, but also tells us absolutely nothing about what you’ll actually be doing. Will you be making coffee, launching a space shuttle, or perhaps orchestrating a coup d'état? Who knows!
And then there’s everyone’s favourite line:
"You’ll be responsible for end-to-end management of key deliverables."
What does that even mean? Is there a map? A diagram? A vague idea of what these so-called ‘key deliverables’ might be? Didn’t think so.
The Requirements That Aren’t Really Required
Next, we have the section of the job description that lists a bunch of seemingly random qualifications and skills, most of which have nothing to do with the job itself.
For instance:
"Must have a strong understanding of quantum physics and the ability to operate heavy machinery."
Ah yes, because that’s definitely relevant for this role as a Junior Marketing Assistant.
Or how about:
"We’re looking for someone who is fluent in Swahili, proficient in interpretive dance, and has a black belt in origami."
Incredible. I’ll just pop down to the local dojo and sign up for an origami class, shall I?
The Company Culture Conundrum
Then there’s the part of the job description that attempts to describe the company culture, but ends up being a word salad of buzzwords and clichés:
"We are a forward-thinking, agile company with a passion for innovation and a commitment to excellence."
In other words, they’re a group of people who use every business buzzword they can find in the hopes that it makes them sound competent, while simultaneously failing to define what they actually do.
And who could forget:
"We’re like a family here."
Translation: Prepare for endless drama, passive-aggressive emails, and being roped into Susan’s annual Christmas karaoke party.
The Job Title That Means Absolutely Nothing
Finally, there’s the job title itself, which often gives no indication whatsoever of the actual responsibilities involved.
For instance:
"Chief Happiness Officer"
Not entirely sure if this is a real job or a title someone gave themselves after a particularly inspiring TED Talk.
Or:
"Digital Wizard"
A title which suggests you might be casting spells on servers when, in fact, you’ll be resetting passwords for Greg in accounting.
Why Does This Happen?
So, why do companies continue to publish job descriptions that read like a riddle wrapped in an enigma?
Partly, it’s because they’re trying to cast the widest possible net, hoping to attract candidates with a broad range of skills. But in doing so, they end up alienating people who just want to know what the job entails.
And partly, it’s because they’re trying to sound more exciting than they really are. Because let’s face it, calling someone a ‘Spreadsheet Sorcerer’ sounds a lot sexier than ‘Data Entry Specialist.’
Need to Write a Job Description That Makes Sense?
If you’re tired of cryptic job descriptions that leave you scratching your head, we can help. At Coburg Banks, we write clear, concise, and straightforward job adverts that attract the right people for the right roles.
So, if you’re looking to hire without the confusion and chaos, get in touch.
We promise it’ll all make sense.
