Ah, the humble CV. That glorious document where you sell your soul in Arial, size 10, hoping the gods of employment will deem you worthy.
In theory, it’s a straightforward process. You list your skills, experience, education, and a few hobbies that make you sound interesting but not weird.
In reality? It’s a minefield of half-truths, exaggerations, and veiled cries for help.
Because let’s face it, we’ve all been guilty of a little 'creative writing' when it comes to our CVs. We all know that when you say you have ‘excellent time management skills,’ you’re actually admitting you once submitted a project two minutes before the deadline.
So, let’s dive into the wonderful world of CV jargon and decode what you’re really trying to say.
1. "I’m a Results-Driven Professional"
What you mean: I once managed to assemble IKEA furniture without crying.
On a CV, ‘results-driven’ makes you sound like a corporate superhero, swooping in to save the day with data-driven decisions and KPI-fueled strategies.
In reality, it often just means you’re good at winging it and hoping for the best.
2. "I Have Strong Leadership Skills"
What you mean: I bossed my friends around during group projects at university.
Everyone loves a good leader, but we all know ‘leadership skills’ often translates to ‘I took charge of ordering office pizza once, and it was a resounding success.’
Bonus points if you can claim you ‘motivated the team’ (by bribing them with doughnuts).
3. "Detail-Oriented"
What you mean: I once spotted a typo in a 200-page report. It was my own name.
Being detail-oriented sounds great until you realize it’s code for ‘I will obsess over the spacing of bullet points for hours on end.’
It’s a double-edged sword really, but hey, at least you didn’t misspell ‘attention to detail.’ That would be awkward.
4. "Team Player"
What you mean: I sat in silence during meetings and nodded occasionally.
Claiming you’re a team player is a bit like saying you’re ‘nice’: it doesn’t really tell us much about you, but it sounds better than admitting you’re a social recluse.
In reality, it means you’ve mastered the art of passive agreement and can handle the awkward ‘let’s go around the table’ introductions without breaking a sweat.
5. "I’m Passionate About [Industry]"
What you mean: I once read an article about this industry on LinkedIn.
Passion is great, but let’s be honest: most of us are passionate about paying rent and not getting stuck in traffic on a Monday morning.
If you’re truly passionate, you’ll have the scars (or the blogs) to prove it.
6. "Seeking a Fast-Paced Environment"
What you mean: I thrive on chaos and caffeine.
You want to sound like you can handle the pressure, but really, it’s just a polite way of saying you’re so used to stress that you need it to feel alive.
A fast-paced environment? You were practically raised in it.
7. "I’m a Self-Starter"
What you mean: I once opened a Word document without being told to.
Everyone loves a self-starter, but it’s worth remembering that there’s a fine line between being proactive and doing your boss’s job for them.
And no, brewing your own coffee doesn’t count.
8. "References Available Upon Request"
What you mean: I’m praying you don’t actually ask for them because I haven’t given them a heads-up.
It sounds professional, but what it really means is you’re silently praying your old manager remembers your name.
Pro tip: make sure your references actually like you before listing them. It’s for the best.
9. "Willing to Relocate"
What you mean: I’ll go wherever there’s a decent salary and the Wi-Fi is good.
Relocating sounds adventurous, but it’s actually just a thinly veiled plea for someone to, please, for the love of all things holy, hire me.
And hey, if it comes with a change of scenery, who are we to complain?
Need to Recruit People Who Mean What They Say?
If you’re tired of decoding CV jargon and want to cut straight to the chase, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we sift through the fluff to find candidates who actually mean what they say. No sugar-coating, no nonsense - just real people with real skills.
So, if you’re ready to recruit without the riddles, get in touch. We promise to keep it real (and entertaining).
