There comes a time in every recruiter’s life when they’re faced with a cover letter so bizarre, so utterly confounding, that they briefly question the very nature of reality.
It’s a bit like finding an alpaca in your living room – unexpected, slightly alarming, and leaves you wondering who thought this was a good idea.
Cover letters, after all, are meant to be your first impression, your chance to show a prospective employer that you’re not just another faceless name in a sea of CVs. But some people, bless their creative souls, take a decidedly abstract approach to this task.
Forget the mundane “I am writing to express my interest” and get ready for a wild ride through the most peculiar opening lines ever penned (or perhaps spilled) onto a cover letter.
1. The Philosophical Ponderer
“Have you ever wondered if goldfish dream? I have. And it’s this curiosity that makes me perfect for the role of your next customer service representative.”
Ah yes, because nothing screams ‘unparalleled customer service’ quite like attempting to delve into the subconscious of domestic aquatic creatures.
Sure, curiosity is a great trait, but starting your letter with what sounds like the opening line to a rejected TED Talk might not be the best course of action.
2. The Overly Honest Confession
“I need this job because my cat insists on eating only the most expensive brand of kibble available.”
While I appreciate the transparency—and frankly, I too am at the mercy of a demanding feline—it’s generally advised to avoid starting with a financial plea.
On the bright side, it’s good to know that their budget management skills might be top-notch, given the circumstances.
3. The Cryptic Poet
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I want this job, and I’m sure you do too.”
While it’s always nice to inject some creativity into a cover letter, perhaps avoid channeling your inner Shakespeare in the opening line.
Unless, of course, you’re applying for a position as a bard in a medieval reenactment troupe. Then by all means, rhyme away.
4. The Time Traveller
“As someone who has already worked for your company in the year 2035, I can assure you that hiring me is a decision you won’t regret.”
Either they’re a visionary with unparalleled insight, or they’ve been watching too much Doctor Who.
While time travel is a fascinating concept, perhaps it’s best left out of the opening line unless the position involves flux capacitors.
5. The Self-Help Enthusiast
“I believe in the power of positive thinking and have manifested this job opportunity into my life.”
While it’s heartening to see someone believe in themselves so strongly, we might suggest sticking to tangible qualifications rather than cosmic forces.
Unless the job involves teaching mindfulness to stressed-out staff members, in which case, manifest away.
6. The Metaphorical Master
“If life were a buffet, this job would be the succulent roast beef I’ve been waiting for.”
While metaphors can add a touch of flair, comparing your desired role to a piece of meat might not resonate with all employers.
That said, it does leave one curious about what role the mashed potatoes play in their career aspirations.
7. The Surrealist Specialist
“As I sat in the bath, pondering life’s mysteries, it hit me—I am destined for this role.”
While I’m sure Archimedes would applaud such a Eureka moment, it might be best to keep bathtime revelations private.
In the professional world, clarity is often more appreciated than surrealism.
8. The Gambler
“I’m betting the farm that this cover letter will land me an interview.”
While risky strategies can sometimes pay off, it’s generally advisable to keep agricultural wagers out of the job application process.
Still, you’ve got to admire the confidence.
9. The Adventurer
“In my quest to find the Holy Grail of employment, your company appears to be the Camelot of job opportunities.”
While an adventurous spirit is commendable, one might suggest toning down the Arthurian references unless applying for a role in a theme park.
That said, kudos to them for their noble pursuit of employment.
10. The Weather Enthusiast
“As an avid fan of cumulus clouds, I see my career trajectory with your company as clear skies ahead.”
While it’s important to illustrate positivity, starting with a weather report might not give the best first impression.
However, if applying for a job in meteorology, this might just be their golden ticket.
Need Candidates Who Can Write a Straightforward Cover Letter?
In the ever-evolving world of recruitment, it’s essential to find candidates who can communicate effectively without leaving you scratching your head.
At Coburg Banks, we specialize in uncovering those hidden gems who know how to make a memorable first impression - without the need for poetic metaphors or time-traveling escapades.
If you need help finding candidates who can navigate the professional world with clarity and confidence, get in touch.
With us, you’ll never have to wonder if your next hire is secretly plotting to become a Brand Ninja.
