There are few things as simultaneously amusing and infuriating as perusing job adverts and stumbling upon a list of required skills that read more like the wishlist of a child asking for a unicorn for Christmas.
Because, in the wild world of recruitment, there exists an unspoken competition among employers to see who can request the most absurd, irrelevant, and downright pointless skills from potential candidates.
It’s as if, in a desperate bid to weed out the weaklings, they’ve decided to throw in a few curveballs, just for the thrill of it.
So, hold onto your hats and prepare to be bewildered as we delve into some of the most pointless skills ever requested in a job advert.
The Obsession with Microsoft Office
First up, we have the perennial favourite: proficiency in Microsoft Office.
Now, don’t get me wrong.
Knowing your way around Word, Excel, and PowerPoint is useful, but when the job is for something like ‘Senior Neurosurgeon’ or ‘Astronaut’, it does make you wonder if they’re expecting you to perform surgery or navigate the cosmos with a perfectly formatted spreadsheet.
What’s next? Requiring a Michelin-star chef to demonstrate their ability to format a bulleted list?
"Must Be a Team Player"
Ah, the classic “must be a team player”.
Because, obviously, employers are terrified of hiring a feral lone wolf who will rampage through the office, refusing to interact with anyone.
It’s almost as if they expect candidates to burst into tears at the thought of working collaboratively, shouting:
“No! I’d rather go it alone!”
Questionable at best, but certainly not a skill that requires specific attention in a job advert unless you’re hiring for the role of ‘Herding Cats’.
The Love for “Enthusiasm”
Then, there’s the demand for candidates to be “enthusiastic.”
Granted, nobody wants to hire a human Eeyore, but how exactly are job seekers supposed to quantify their enthusiasm?
Should they submit a video of themselves performing an impromptu jig every time someone mentions the company name?
Or should they simply reply with an endless stream of exclamation marks in all correspondence?
Because we all know that nothing says ‘hire me’ like a cover letter that reads:
“I am so excited about this job!!!!!!”
"Must Be a Problem Solver"
Another masterpiece of ambiguity is the requirement to be a “problem solver.”
Are they looking for someone who can solve a Rubik’s cube in under ten seconds or someone who can navigate the complexities of inter-departmental politics without causing a diplomatic incident?
And more importantly, aren’t all jobs fundamentally about solving problems?
Or does this company just have a particularly problematic kettle?
Expertise in Obscure Software
Let’s not forget the insistence on proficiency in oddly specific and obscure software that nobody’s heard of except, perhaps, the CEO’s nephew who developed it in his bedroom.
The job advert might as well read:
“Must be proficient in ‘Graphotron 5000’ - a bespoke software available only on floppy disk.”
Because why hire someone with universally applicable skills when you can hire someone who spent the last decade mastering an obsolete program that’s about to be discontinued?
“Must Have a Sense of Humour”
Here’s a gem: “must have a sense of humour.”
This one’s a minefield.
Are they looking for a stand-up comedian, or will a few well-timed dad jokes suffice?
And, if your joke flops in the interview, is that an automatic disqualification?
Or do you simply have to laugh at the boss’s jokes, no matter how painfully unfunny they might be?
Fluency in Klingon
Alright, that might be a slight exaggeration, but we have seen requests just as inexplicable.
From needing to speak ‘conversational Latin’ to having ‘extensive knowledge of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs’, some job adverts seem to have been written on a dare.
Unless you’re planning to recruit for a position at Hogwarts, there’s really no need.
And even then, surely Parseltongue would be more useful?
Ready to Recruit with a Dose of Reality?
So, if you’re an employer looking to avoid the pitfalls of ridiculous job adverts, and perhaps even find candidates who exist in the real world, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we craft job adverts that actually reflect what you need, rather than a fantasy concocted in an alternate universe.
Let us help you find competent, capable candidates without asking them to juggle flaming swords while reciting Shakespeare in Klingon.
Get in touch with us today, and let’s make recruitment make sense again.
