We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Sitting in a stuffy meeting room, trying to keep a straight face while your manager reads from a script, delivering feedback that’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Yes, my friends, I’m talking about the glorious tradition that is the performance review.
Now, in theory, these sessions are designed to help you improve, grow, and ultimately become the best version of your professional self. But in reality? Well, more often than not, you leave the room with nothing more than a headache and a vague sense of existential dread.
So, in celebration of the bizarre world of corporate jargon and meaningless platitudes, here are some of the most pointless performance review feedback gems ever given.
The Infamous ‘Sandwich’ Feedback
Let’s start with the classic ‘sandwich’ approach, where managers wrap a slice of criticism in layers of fluffy nonsense, hoping you won’t notice you’ve just been smacked with a critique.
“You’re a great team player, but you need to improve your punctuality. However, your ability to make coffee is unparalleled.”
Ah yes, because nothing softens the blow of being told you can’t manage to show up on time like a compliment about your barista skills.
Or my personal favourite:
“Your reports are often late, but your choice of fonts is truly inspired. Keep up the creativity!”
Right. Because the company’s bottom line is clearly dependent on my impeccable taste in typography.
The Vague and the Obvious
Next up, we have the kind of feedback that’s so vague it might as well have been written by a horoscope columnist:
“Try to communicate better.”
Well, thank you, mystic oracle. I’ll just go ahead and do that then, shall I?
Or the downright obvious:
“You should aim to make fewer mistakes.”
Gee, thanks for the groundbreaking insight. I’ll be sure to take that on board the next time I feel like messing up a major project.
The ‘Takeaway’ With No Instructions
Then, there’s the feedback that gives you a vague takeaway without any practical advice on how to implement it:
“You need to be more proactive.”
Right. And how exactly do you propose I do that, oh wise one?
Or the ever-popular:
“Improve your leadership skills.”
Unless you’re planning to bestow upon me an ancient scroll detailing the secrets of leadership, I’m going to need a bit more than that.
The Utterly Ridiculous
Of course, no list would be complete without the absurdly irrelevant feedback that makes you question your entire existence:
“Your desk plant is always so vibrant and healthy. Keep nurturing it!”
Thank you. I’ll be sure to add ‘green thumb’ to my CV.
Or this absolute gem:
“Your ability to whistle the company anthem is truly remarkable.”
Because, as we all know, whistling is the cornerstone of any successful business strategy.
So, Why Do We Bother?
If you’ve ever left a performance review feeling more confused than enlightened, you’re not alone. But here’s the thing: despite the ridiculousness, performance reviews can actually be valuable.
When done right, they provide an opportunity for growth, reflection, and genuine improvement. The key is constructive feedback that’s specific, actionable, and - most importantly - relevant to your job.
Need to Recruit Managers Who Can Deliver Real Feedback?
If reading this has made you question the quality of feedback in your own organisation, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we specialise in finding candidates who know how to give feedback that matters - no sandwiches or chocolate teapots in sight.
So, if you need to recruit managers who can actually help your team grow, get in touch.
We promise not to waste your time with pointless platitudes.
