We've all been there. That heart-stopping moment when you realise you might have made a terrible mistake.
Like the time you thought having a second dessert was a good idea. Or convinced yourself that karaoke night at the local pub would be a great bonding experience.
Or when you naively assumed that a new job offer meant stepping into organised, professional bliss.
But then you experience the onboarding process, which is less of a gentle welcome and more of a confusing labyrinth of frustration.
It’s as if someone took your excitement, rolled it up in red tape, and set it on fire.
Because while it’s supposed to be a seamless journey that introduces you to your new role, sometimes, it's more like an escape room with no visible exit.
The ‘Self-Guided Tour’ Experience
Imagine this: you walk into your new office, greeted not by a smiling colleague, but by a bewildered receptionist who wasn’t told you were starting.
After a few awkward phone calls, you’re handed a map of the building and a “start-up pack” that looks like it was printed in 1997.
Welcome to the ‘Self-Guided Tour’ onboarding, where you’re left to wander the halls, trying not to get lost or trip over boxes of forgotten office supplies while piecing together bits of information from cryptic post-it notes left by someone named Dave.
Of course, it’s not all bad. You’ll become intimately familiar with every nook and cranny of the office, including the mysterious cupboard where time forgot.
And you’ll almost certainly gain a new appreciation for the phrase, “thrown in at the deep end.”
The ‘Never-Ending Documentation’ Marathon
You knew there would be paperwork. Contracts to sign, forms to fill out, the usual.
But nothing could have prepared you for the sheer onslaught of the ‘Never-Ending Documentation’ onboarding.
It starts innocuously enough with a few standard forms. But soon, you find yourself signing documents that seem to be written in an ancient dialect of corporate jargon.
By the end of day one, you’re knee-deep in a mountain of acronyms and declarations, unsure if you've joined a company or accidentally enlisted in the army.
But don't worry. Your colleagues assure you it’s all standard procedure.
Just as long as you remember to initial the triple-carbon copy of your NDA, with the right hue of cobalt blue ink, while standing on one foot and reciting the company mission statement.
But only on a Wednesday.
The ‘Surprise Quiz’ Gauntlet
And then there’s the infamous ‘Surprise Quiz’ onboarding.
You’re barely in the door when you’re hit with a barrage of questions that would confuse Stephen Hawking.
And it’s all asked with the enthusiasm of a seasoned game show host who’s had one too many espressos.
"What's the fifth point of our corporate values?"
"How many paces is it from the break room to the nearest emergency exit?"
And the classic: "Recite the CEO’s middle name, backward."
It’s not exactly the warm welcome you envisioned.
But it does prime you for the kind of lateral thinking and mental gymnastics that you will inevitably need just to survive the next staff meeting.
The ‘Mystery Mentor’ Challenge
In theory, your mentor is meant to guide you through your first few weeks, answering questions and showing you the ropes.
In practice, you get the ‘Mystery Mentor’ onboarding, where your designated guide is either perpetually absent, constantly busy, or perhaps doesn’t even know they’ve been assigned to you.
It becomes a game of cat and mouse, where you’re the cat, and your mentor is a particularly elusive mouse with a penchant for disappearing just when you need them most.
Eventually, you begin to wonder if your mentor is a figment of your imagination - a mythical creature whispered about in hushed tones but never seen.
You finally track them down at the coffee machine, only for them to nod sagely and say, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
The ‘Digital Maze’ Adventure
Some companies pride themselves on cutting-edge technology, offering new hires a digital onboarding experience.
What they don’t tell you is that it’s less of an experience and more of a ‘Digital Maze’ adventure.
You log in on your first day, armed with a plethora of usernames and passwords that seem like they were created by a cat walking across a keyboard.
Hours pass as you navigate an online labyrinth with portals that lead to nowhere, training videos with no audio, and an intranet that appears to operate on Windows 95.
But hey, you’re nothing if not determined.
By lunchtime, you’ve become an unlikely hero of IT, having hacked your own way into the company’s server and inadvertently becoming the office tech support.
Need to Onboard Without the Chaos?
If reading this has made you cringe at the memory of your own onboarding debacles, don’t worry - you’re not alone.
At Coburg Banks, we understand the importance of a smooth, effective onboarding process. It’s not just about welcoming new hires; it’s about setting them up for success.
We help businesses streamline their onboarding processes, ensuring that new employees feel valued, informed, and ready to thrive.
So if you need to recruit and onboard with a touch of sanity, get in touch.
We promise not to make you sign anything in cobalt blue ink.
